By Chaya Nessa Krycer
I have recently been promoted to the class denoted for the wealthy and illustrious. I am now firmly affixed to the upper crust, simply because I am now the proud owner of a second home.
It is nothing so cliché as a summer home, or vacation home, overlooking tranquil waters and lush scenery. In fact, my newest abode is quite prosaic, devoid of scenic views and peaceful surroundings. Even so, it provides all the comforts of home. My newest residency is Walmart, specifically the one located in Plano, between Coit and Mapleshade.
You can see that I was raised with an appreciation for culture, and the finer things in life. I didn’t choose an ordinary Walmart for my domicile. I selected a Super-Walmart, one that contains everything under the sun, from apples to ammonia, to the card game Anomia.
Some of you may be scoffing at my seemingly plebian taste. From a whole city to choose from, why couldn’t I have chosen something more elegant, such as Target, or TJ Max? It is for your benefit, that I, therefore, shall take you on an all exclusive luxury tour, throughout Walmart’s vast and extensive exterior.
Before even entering the store, you must first penetrate its outer core–the parking lot. Since you are forced to drive at a speed less than ten miles per hour, you have a great opportunity for analyzing the throngs of pedestrians attempting to enter the golden doors (or is that just McDonalds? Not that I would know, of course). Most of these people seem to be in their own world. They probably pay thousands of dollars for insurance premiums, yet they are careless as they walk across the parking lot. After all, why would there be cars in a parking lot? Especially moving cars. With a stretch of the imagination, parked cars can be fathomed, but not moving cars. In fact, they look almost insulted when you attempt to drive by. It’s almost as bad as someone driving on a street when someone is jogging. Obviously, no-one is driving on the street when you are out jogging. Ridiculous.
Additionally, due to coronavirus, another aspect was added to the parking lot experience. Now you can stare at everyone through your car window and see how many people are wearing masks. You can even feel self-righteous, on the condition that you are wearing one yourself. If you forgot your mask at home, you can assuage your guilty feelings by looking at all the non-conformists/anti maskers. After all, if Chas V’ shalom, someone in Walmart gets sick, it would be impossible to pinpoint the blame on you. (Now with all kidding aside, it is actually very important to wear a mask. And if I see you at Walmart without one I will judge you, like I do everyone else. So beware).
Once you exit your chosen vehicle, it is important to be the responsible pedestrian by looking both ways before walking. Or just standing still. (Because cars are still moving, even if you’re not). This is one of the many proofs that kindergarten is an important step in a child’s life. After all, where else are you explicitly taught to ‘look both ways before you cross the street’? (Besides, nursery, pre-k, first grade, and at random intervals by your parent/guardian). (Oh well. I tried).
So now you’re safely across the street, all limbs securely attached. (And if they weren’t beforehand, you probably shouldn’t be going to Walmart alone). One aspect that you’ll notice (It practically jumps out and bites you in the face), is the loud, raucous music. For some unfathomable reason, one that the ancient philosophers have been pondering over for years, Walmart only blasts music outside the store. Because once you’re a paying customer you don’t deserve music. Or perhaps it is an attempt to scare away the homeless people who camp outside the Walmart door. (Any further theories are welcome. Feel free to send them via my agent, when I get one).
But congratulations! You have successfully entered Walmart! Stay tuned for my next article, which will inform you of the conditions and happenstances within Walmart. See you then!