|Today’s challenge: Make your “Sorry” work|
Apology not working? Power it up with these 4 components:1. Mean it. Really.
2. Specify your mistake.
3. Take full blame.
4. Right the wrong.
|WIFE:Isn’t there anything you want to say to me?|
WIFE: You can’t even remember our anniversary?! You only care about yourself!
HUSBAND:Oh no. Oh no. I’ve really messed up. I’ll never get out of this one!
COACH: What’s the matter? Just say you’re sorry.
HUSBAND: No! I can’t! She never accepts my apologies. Even if I send flowers and cook her dinner.
She just won’t let things go!
COACH: If the other person is still upset even after you say sorry, maybe consider that it’s the WAY you say sorry that needs to change.
HUSBAND: The waayy I say sorry.
HUSBAND: …Slicha. Je suis desole. Duìbùqǐ.
HUSBAND: It’s hopeless!
COACH:I think we need to break it down. Let’s get serious.
1. Really mean it. If you need help sounding sincere, try thinking what the pain you caused must feel like for the other person.
2. Be specific about what you’ve done. This shows the other person that you understand what caused the pain, and that you own it.
3. Take full blame. No excuses. No offloading even part of the blame on someone else.
> HUSBAND:But what if it was partly her fault? It takes two to tango.
< COACH: But when the music’s over, you take your own bow. This is your apology. Let hers come when she’s ready.
4.Do something to right the wrong and show that it’s not just lip service.
HUSBAND:Ok, here goes.
“Aliza, I’m really sorry I forgot our anniversary…again. I totally messed up. Tomorrow I’m coming home early and making you dinner.”
COACH: When you hurt someone, the part they find so painful is the message it sent: “I don’t care about you.”
When you apologize all the way, you take responsibility for the pain you caused. You own it.
It’s to show that, in fact, you DO care.
And that’s something you don’t have to apologize for.